Finding Peace

A concerned teammate asked me this week if I was okay.  She had noticed my frustrations and disappointments despite the mask of content and commitment to serve.  Concerned that I was slowly slipping down the slope of silent anger and self-destruction, we talked at a distance about what was gnawing away at the back of my mind.

I smiled.  I still smile.  Because no matter what happens, I will be happy.

I wont lie, the past several months and weeks have been extremely difficult.  But somehow, despite all of this, I can still smile.  I know that I wouldn’t give this experience up for anything in the world.

I am more than just content.  I am satisfied.  I am happy.  I am at peace with myself.  With God.

I understand that my writings have expressed frustrations with the world, with my experiences, and my relationships, but as I told my teammate, I write and draw as a release.  Instead of holding it all within my heart, I let it go through the written words and the strokes of the pencil on the page.  Long ago, I found it was healthier to release it this way than to let it boil and explode within me.

But through this, I have found peace.  I have discovered my center.  I know that this is exactly where God has placed me, and that alone brings joy to my troubled heart.

In the midst of my journey, when chaos surrounds me, I have learned to breathe.  I have learned that before I can take care of others, I have to take care of myself.  Mental, emotional, and spiritual care through focusing my thoughts, centering my heart of God, and acting with decisiveness.

For me, peace comes from God.  I can meditate.  I can try to clear my mind of all the thoughts that race around.  I can find a quiet place alone.  But if I do not seek out God, I can never feel at peace.

It doesn’t matter if I hear Him or not.  It’s about the chase and the passion.  Knowing that He is there, even when I cannot feel His presence.

With peace comes purpose that allows us to find the joy in the situation at hand.

(Note: Joy is different from happiness.  Happiness comes from emotions, whereas Joy comes from God (in this sense).)

Just some thoughts…

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