A concerned teammate asked me this week if I was okay. She had noticed my frustrations and disappointments despite the mask of content and commitment to serve. Concerned that I was slowly slipping down the slope of silent anger and self-destruction, we talked at a distance about what was gnawing away at the back of my mind.
I smiled. I still smile. Because no matter what happens, I will be happy.
I wont lie, the past several months and weeks have been extremely difficult. But somehow, despite all of this, I can still smile. I know that I wouldn’t give this experience up for anything in the world.
I am more than just content. I am satisfied. I am happy. I am at peace with myself. With God.
I understand that my writings have expressed frustrations with the world, with my experiences, and my relationships, but as I told my teammate, I write and draw as a release. Instead of holding it all within my heart, I let it go through the written words and the strokes of the pencil on the page. Long ago, I found it was healthier to release it this way than to let it boil and explode within me.
But through this, I have found peace. I have discovered my center. I know that this is exactly where God has placed me, and that alone brings joy to my troubled heart.
In the midst of my journey, when chaos surrounds me, I have learned to breathe. I have learned that before I can take care of others, I have to take care of myself. Mental, emotional, and spiritual care through focusing my thoughts, centering my heart of God, and acting with decisiveness.
For me, peace comes from God. I can meditate. I can try to clear my mind of all the thoughts that race around. I can find a quiet place alone. But if I do not seek out God, I can never feel at peace.
It doesn’t matter if I hear Him or not. It’s about the chase and the passion. Knowing that He is there, even when I cannot feel His presence.
With peace comes purpose that allows us to find the joy in the situation at hand.
(Note: Joy is different from happiness. Happiness comes from emotions, whereas Joy comes from God (in this sense).)
Just some thoughts…
A Journey 