This past week has been challenging. I feel as if I am physically, emotionally and mentally broken and exhausted. I’m in pain, yet I refuse to let it show. I crashed a UTV. I busted my knee. I am stressed out beyond belief for no reason whatsoever. I don’t want to be around anyone. I don’t want to talk. But I need to get it out somehow.
I am confident. It is one of my greatest strengths and most fatal of flaws. I know what I am capable of, how much I can take, but now I don’t know anymore.
Last week, I wrote about the cross and who was beside our King when He died. I asked myself why all of His followers, disciples ran. Why is it that only one of His chosen twelve stood at the foot of the cross. I know that they were afraid. They were scared. They were broken.
We know that our Savior rose from the dead. But yet we still run from His grace.
I don’t think that we don’t trust Him, I believe that we cannot trust ourselves. We have fallen and failed so many times. We just cant seem to get it right (whatever ‘it’ seems to be). We find ourselves flawed and unworthy of love.
I run for this very reason. I run from His grace and love because I see what I have done, who I have become and I am ashamed. Like Adam in the Garden, I have hidden myself in shame.
I don’t always say what I’m thinking or feeling because it is just to hard to put into words. I run from those who have put their trust in me. I hide from those who love me for who I am. I shut others out because I am afraid to tear down the walls that I have built around my heart.
But that is not the end of the story.
It never was. It never will be.
The story of grace is so much more than that. And as I sit here on the roof of my apartment, listening to the yells of children and drunken people on the streets below, I know that this story is so much bigger than myself and my own fears.
We are children of God. He has adopted us into his family exactly as we are. He has taken us in, all our fears and failures. And He loves us more than anything we could ever know or begin to comprehend.
Even after we run and hide from Him, He showers us with grace and love. He sends down His blessings on us over and over again.
He sends His peace to calm the voices that consume our thoughts. He sends the daylight to remind us that no darkness can ever prevail if we allow the light to shine. And He puts people in our path that remind us who we really are, His children.
Yes, I am still frustrated with myself for the stupid things I have done (both this past week and all those things that others have long forgotten about), but I know that He has already taken me in. He has offered forgiveness with the open arms of a father who loves no matter what.