Looking Back at 2009

In the new movie, Avatar, there is a point in which the main character comes back to his body, after experiencing life and love through his avatar (see the movie for all the details) and he asks himself the question “What are you doing?”

As I sit here, at almost three in the morning on the first day of the new year, I feel like a ‘dreamwalker’, where I am living a life in a different world, only to constantly return to a different body, a different world, and a different set of rules.  I sit awake after everyone has left the party, and I am asking myself that same question:  “What are you doing?”

Looking back on this past year, I see many stepping-stones, mountains, valleys, burned bridges and skid marks along the road.  Overall, I see growth, but I am constantly drawn to small details that point out all the places where I didn’t get it right the first time, and probably won’t get the chance to make things right.  I see darkness, blinded by great light and valleys overshadowed by peaks that tear through the sky. 

I’ve learned a lot through silence this past year.  Never have I before been able to silence all the noise of my heart, but in experiencing life without the distractions of modern technology in Uganda, I learned to be still. 

I have felt the pulls of the heart, calling me to missions, calling me to God.  In running so hard away from God, I found that my passion is in the palm of his hand, and he is calling me back to him. 

I have learned so much about the Church, the Body of Christ through fellowship and the love that has been poured out over me on campus and at Radius Church in Greenville.  I have experienced the love of Christ through a family of guys and an extended network of amazing believers on campus. 

This past year, I had many amazing opportunities.  I had the priviledge of meeting and helping Clayton King at BCM’s annual conference, Converge.  I had the opportunity to hook up with the amazing people of Akia-Ashianut and experience God’s grace and mercy in Uganda.  I have had the honor of sharing the story of the people of Agule, through words, images and love.  I have been given the blessing of the Cockins Family of South Rouse, an amazing group of guys who share the love of Christ throughout Anderson. 

I get back home from school, and I feel as if i have been rudely awoken from the life of a ‘dreamwalker’.  Here, back at home, I do not have the community of fellowship that the college campus has given me.  Everyone seems out of touch and so distant, even those that I am closest to. 

I sit here, one of the only sober ones from the New Years celebration and I am asking myself “What are you doing?” 

I cannot answer that honestly.  I wish I could, but it’s hard to strive for God when it feels like everyone in the ‘real world’ back home is holding you back.  There are so few people who I can talk to, it’s hard…

This next year will be challenging.  I am finishing up college, graduating and moving on to ‘bigger things’.  I don’t know what God has in store for me, but I know His hand is guiding all the pieces into place.

God Bless and PEACE


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