When it doesn’t feel right…

The past couple weeks and days have been a struggle.  There are a couple things that have bothering me since I’ve gotten back to school.  They may be ‘small’ things, but especially in the past couple days, there have been some things that just havn’t felt right. 

I know this may sound like a rant (which it kind of is) but some of these need to be brought to the table and discussed.

1st struggle: I’ve come back from Uganda and I know that the trip has changed me.  What I didnt know was how much it has affected my heart and desire to be closer to God.  I’m finding it difficult to interact with people in a moments notice.  I have a desire to be alone with Him, dive into the word, spend quiet hours in His presence, but as a leader in the eyes of many here on campus, I feel like I must be engaged with people. 

On a similar note, I’m finding it difficult to interact with certain people because I dont want to be around them.  Close friends are being pushed away because I havn’t been able to deal witheverything in my head to begin dealing with their ‘problems’ also. 

As a Christian leader, this bothers me greatly.  We need to be there for one another to support.  I may be one of the worst people in accepting a willing hand, but I feel like dealing with the emotions and chaos of questions and thoughts brought forth from my experience in Uganda is something that i must come to terms with on my own.

2nd struggle:  Now that i am back at school, I am constantly being bombarded by religion and legalistic faith.  I feel as if people are looking for a set of rules in their Christian walk so that they can find loopholes and still live in a life of sin. 

3rd struggle:  Communicating Faith.  I have been struggling for a while now about putting my faith into words.  To describe everything that I feel in my heart, through both words and images (painting and drawing classes). 

4th struggle:  I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.  I have distinct groups of friends andI feel like I’m being torn between the two, like I have to choose on or the other, but I’m not connecting fully with either.  I noticed this when, in a conversation, I didnt know what was going on with people personally.

This disturbs me greatly because I feel for the people greatly, each group has a special place in my heart, but if I choose one over the other, the second will cut ties and fade away. 

5th and last struggle:  Something that I want to expand upon on a later date, the use of the word ‘love’, especially the phrase ‘I love you.’  I’ve had personal issues with it’s usage for a while now, but just recently, I’ve had a good (female) friend start saying that every time we part ways, and each time it strikes a chord in me that doesnt feel right. 

I rarely use those words because they are so powerful.  They mean something, to me, that I have not found yet outside of God. 

Again, sorry for the rant, but I needed to just write…

God Bless and PEACE


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